1. Tell us about yourself.
Hello, my name is Iliyan, 33 years old, heterosexual. I am a versatile artist, I deal with art in several ways – music, photography, graphic design, montages, poetry, the study of dreams and consciousness, etc. I am self-taught in everything I specialize in and make a living of, I like my presence in things and I like to give back. Love/Freedom is my way of life.
2. When and how did you realise that polyamory/ENM was a thing and you could transition into this lifestyle?
I wouldn’t necessarily put a label on where I fit in these kind of relationships, but I can definitely say that I’ve found that I can have liking and intimacy (not necessarily physical) with more than one person, and actually freedom came to me when I allowed to be honest with myself, and then I released my barriers to express myself freely to others as well. I like to be transparent with anyone with whom I manage to find a common language – this is intimacy, too. I wasn’t actually in a relationship when I discovered these feelings within me, which gave me more freedom for self-care back then and allowed some space to digest what I realised. I strive to watch myself awake and trace the root of my desires. My mind is rich with imagination and the body has its own mind that speaks daily. It is healthy for a person to have an idea of the roots of their intentions and to be aware and responsible for the decisions they make, even more so to the parties they engages with. In fact, I think that this type of relationship freely predisposes to a great inner freedom, not only in who you date, but also to being able to introduce others freely to yourself, without barriers and any dogmas that define outside of you how things should be in your life. This opened me up even more in this direction, because I always choose to handle the truth as much as I can and to be honest with myself first and then to let others know about my status. And I don’t think a person can be 100% honest with their words by promising their whole life to their partner. Not that it’s impossible, but I don’t think we can see this promise as an analogy for every couple that got together. Of course, when someone is happy with this choice, that’s wonderful! But life is a huge sea with excitements, transformations, events, emotions and many more adventures that bring more to our ideas.
3. What kind of polyamory/ethical non-monogamy are you currently practicing?
Well, I can’t define and name it. I just like the freedom of my presence in things and surrendering to whatever the universe throws at me. I sometimes catch a dance that I manage to happen with another person, and this dance does not necessarily nave an ultimate direction, but I rather enjoy the ride. Anything can happen, nothing needs to happen. If I start having expectations, I enter a mental narrative and I start to fantasise. There is nothing wrong with fantasies, but I do not wish to turn the woman into a blank page for them. I like working with facts and agreements. Wherever we meet and whatever we accomplish will speak of its continuation from there.
4. Tell us about a time in the past when you treated someone / did something in a way that makes you feel bad now looking back. What happened, how did the involved parties react, how did the situation get sorted out?
I was in a relationship years ago and at one point it happened that a second girl made an interesting impression on me. Of course, my ideas about these things then had nothing to do with what they are now. And it happened that I ended my relationship, in order to go to the other girl and freely tell her about my crush. This taught me a lot and provoked me to open up and share with the person next to me where I am at, what is on my mind and what my intentions are. I think almost all drama between people comes from lack of communication and transparency. A person who respects themselves and knows where they stand could never be hurt. The pain comes from internal trauma and has nothing to do with the other party. Therefore, a person must first of all be responsible to themselves. No one can hurt you if you are well balanced and self aware.
5. Tell us how you switched to ENM.
I wasn’t in a relationship, it was just that over time I met some people and from there I allowed myself to experience these moments. I felt it, my body felt it too, and I had this inner consensus to step in that direction. I feel peace and reason. And this allows me to express love and freedom on the outside and to share it.
6. Tell us about one of your most significant positive ENM experiences.
The most significant are those casual moments when you simply enjoy the natural dance of things. I had a very beautiful moment once when I found that sex can happen even without penetration, but connecting with breathing and sounds and a certain touch, guided by the impulses and intuition of the body. Then an incredible soul dance takes place, to which the bodies only listen with single gestures and moans. Physical space even disappears, there are no directions, gravity, location, names, words. The senses are transformed into service and a bridge to something much higher and there is only one pure cosmic reverie experienced in a deep trance.
7. How has polyamory changed you? How are you different today compared to when you switched to ENM? What did ENM give you, what did it take away from you?
I think polyamory is not necessarily a goal and a label and a type of relationship. It is a portal to intimacy, communication and freedom of our natural soul processes. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and it is through communication and constant awareness of where I am that I manage to build this connection both with myself and with the people I share these moments with. I have changed by shedding my old worn skins of confusion, boldly manifesting truth and love and bravely stepping into my shadows because they need that light.
8. Share with us any of your boundaries that help you navigate in ENM.
Well, like I said, I’m being transparent. I am simply stating where I am, who I am and what I am. And that automatically either separates me from people or brings me close with them. Whoever does not wish to enter into my movie is free, I send them love and fair winds. Nothing personal, I don’t expect everyone to accept me. Whoever manages to see something with which we can be useful and share valuable time, we take a step towards each other and we let happen whatever the universe has for us.
9. Do you have difficulties fitting into society in any way due to your ENM lifestyle? How is this choice of yours accepted by your wider family/friends circle?
I don’t care too much about fitting in somewhere and being accepted. I say where I am at and observe where the conversation continues, and where I just get a passive nod because the language isn’t shared. If someone feels like getting into an argument, I don’t feed them. I’m evaluating what I can get out of something like feedback, what I can share, but I’m saving my energy. With my family, I have tried to open up about the topic a number of times, but the communication is laconic and I have noticed that these conversations are not for them. About my friends, the ones I choose to call friends are exactly the ones with whom we have a field of exchange. I don’t have hundreds of friends either, of course I’m not a person who hangs out with big companies. I’m more into reaching depths than being around many people.
10. Is there anything in ENM lifestyle that you find difficult? Tell us about it.
Everything in life has its difficulties and challenges. I would say that especially in these relationships, it takes time for everyone to get to know themselves and understand where they are at. Since childhood we were programmed with hundreds of patterns, rules, barriers, right, wrong, etc. If one learns to be present in their body and takes daily time for themselves in peace, one could get to know themselves quite a bit… and that is the “hard” part. How much love we choose to give each other daily with our presence within ourselves in solitude.
“Privacy is a real luxury if you know how to be present in your body.”
11. Describe your efforts and best practices in terms of STD prevention. What are your safety recommendations ENM-wise?
Basic hygiene, getting to know your sexual status and possible STIs, etc. I have not gone into depth about these things, because sowing fears also leads to complications and stress. The mind is full of fantasies that can always manifest on the body. Also, I’m not someone who necessarily jumps into physical relationships. Long before any act takes place, these things are already clear.
I think these questions are more for people opting for ONS.
I personally don’t like promiscuous sex, I don’t feel that way about my body.
12. Share your best practices that you follow at ENM and why they are important to you.
Responsibility, love, transparency… that’s all there is.
13. What did we miss to ask you that is important? Place the question and answer it 🙂
N/A
Note from People of poly: The interviews are published unedited in the original language in which they were conducted. The interviews are translated by a non-professional.
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