I happen to mention in conversations that take a turn to the poly topic that I am trying to develop a blog about ethical non-monogamy in Bulgaria. When asked if I am an activist I answer with ‘no’ because I don’t find myself to be one. If it is not activism though, then what exactly is it? What is the point, after all, and why am I even putting efforts into something that is difficult for me to even articulate? Am I achieving that goal?
The goal is to adequately inform as many people as possible that there are alternatives and successful models of human relationships to those we have observed and are considered socially acceptable. I would like to think that the way I elaborate on ENM does not belittle the monogamous way of life and that I present the alternatives in a non-threatening and realistic way. I would like to contribute to people being less prejudiced and less hostile to others, even if my contribution is only a tiny bit. I would be glad to see more creation and acceptance around me and I am naive enough to believe that I have the skills and qualities to actually contribute to this cause. I am trying not to sugarcoat my materials and to keep it real enough, in order not to fool anyone that when you are poly – you are happy, and when you are not poly, you are unhappy and/or inadequate. I think I owe respect to any relationship model that works for someone and isn’t illegal.
However, I do not consider myself a poly activist because apart from informing one very limited group (mostly of already informed people) I do not participate in other poly initiatives. I use each opportunity to organize and participate in public initiatives and lectures on the topic and to discuss ENM with curious people. Unlike the activists in the USA and Western Europe, I do not care for other causes besides awareness…at least for now. In the more developed ENM societies, people are already talking about changing the law so that polyamorous people can marry more than one person. On the other hand, instead of putting the cart before the horse on our latitude, we first need to make some progress with legalizing same-sex marriage. I think that before that happens any attempt to regulate marriage between poly people would be doomed. Another problem I have with poly-marriage activism is that I am generally anti-marriage (speaking for myself, of course – I do not mind others getting married). I find the marriage institution to be too rigid, straightforward, and restrictive and I have difficulty separating the concept of marriage from that of monogamy. I am irritated by the speeches of the ladies in the municipality hall, I cringe at the naive tone and the lack of meaningful content.
Polyamory and the institution of marriage.
What I find meaningful about marriage is the legal arrangement that affects children after the death of one or both parents. I keep thinking, though, that there must be other ways to settle these matters legally without having to get married. As much as I personally am against marriage, I think that as this institution exists, it should be non-discriminatory and respectful to the rights of all citizens – heterosexual, homosexual, male, female, whatever the gender, monogamous, polyamorous, and generally all adult PEOPLE. I just won’t be the activist to attempt that kind of change. There is too much emotion and negativity in my perception towards marriage in general, which clearly indicated I am not the right person for the task. I don’t feel bad about it because there are people that are the right ones for everything. And I would not refuse if I could help such a cause.
Polyamory and living together with your partners.
Poly people in countries more developed than ours sometimes encounter difficulties that we do not suspect. In some places in Western Europe, there are directives according to which it is illegal for more than two unmarried individuals who are non-relatives to share a household. Unless they are bound by some contract e.g., two are in a civil partnership and the third is their butler (at least on paper). These regulations affect polyamorous people who want to live together, although they were made to prevent too many people from living together in one home e.g., immigrants from less developed countries. In Bulgaria, we do not have such limitations. Our Western “colleagues” however, must fight these laws, because otherwise polyamorous groups living together are in violation. If a report is filed against a polycule living together, let us say by neighbors, the policule would have to leave the place. Whether it concerns three people living in a one-bedroom apartment or the same number of people in a 900-acre mansion with eight bedrooms and three kitchens.
In Bulgaria, there is a vast space for expressing prejudices against poly people. Despite this fact, I think it is quite possible in our country right now for a poly group to live in one place without having any significant problems with the neighbors but only as long as they don’t attract attention. Or as long as the neighbors like them enough to not be intolerant, deciding inter-neighborly differences in the most Bulgarian way possible.
Polyamory and the workplace.
I work in the field of information technology where we are favored by the Gods – there is enough work for everyone, salaries are high and discrimination is rare. Because even if you are a giraffe, if you are good at your job, you are perceived, first of all, as a good professional. Even being a woman, I last faced serious difficulties of a discriminatory type many, many years ago. I do not expect to be discriminated in some way because of my polyamorous way of life, and even if am – I do not think there is much to improve in the acting poly anti-discriminatory laws.
According to some authors, polyamory is a sexual orientation, and according to others, it is a way of life, a life philosophy. I should note here that I am from the second type. In the West, there are precedents for polyamory to be successfully put by lawyers into the definition of sexual orientation, making it possible to pursue cases of discrimination based on sexual orientation when discrimination against a poly person occurs. I do not think that if at work they ever decide to discriminate and repress me because of my poly views, any law would be able to protect me. Not in this country at least.
Polyamory and society’s culture.
It is easier for me, and I find it more efficient to influence the culture of the people around me softly and positively than to undertake massive initiatives to change the laws, a problem that I neither fully understand, nor am able to grasp, nor think it is realistic that the time has come for it to be resolved soon.
The struggle against discrimination does not include only the striving for the laws to protect certain minorities from segregation. Part of this fight is also attacking discriminatory behavior in everyday life – our reaction or the lack of it when we witness discriminatory behavior or harassment of any kind. One of the most annoying things for me is society’s negative attitude towards discrimination of X minority. In my opinion, we have to be sensitive and intolerant towards discrimination in general, as behavior, and not only when it is shown against particular minority groups. I dislike not tolerating the harassment of children but turning a blind eye when a grown-up Roma person is being bullied. It is not okay to have a reaction when we see a girl being harassed and to not take action when it is a boy (because he has to get used to defending himself since he is going to grow up to be a big and strong man). If we are going to be intolerant of discrimination and harassment, let us be so until the end. Let only a negative attitude be our trigger for action and for this reaction to not be dependent of whom is the victim.
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