When the poly lifestyle was still in the realm of thought for me and not brought into practice, one question constantly bothered me. It was the question of managing the energy of the new relationship.
Let’s take things one step at a time and define the New Relationship Energy (NRE). This is in fact the good old honeymoon phase – regardless of whether we talk about polyamorous or monogamous relationships. The honeymoon phase is this special initial period in a new relationship when we are truly infatuated, euphoric, happy, and distracted. We often see our new partners as in a distorting mirror, which emphasizes their good features and often completely hides the negative ones. In this period, we find it difficult to think about other topics and other people – our mind is uncontrollably returning to the object of our feelings, no matter how much we try to focus on something else. NRE can also exist in non-romantic relationships e.g., when we establish a deep friendship with a new person. Regardless of the context, how long the honeymoon phase lasts depends on each separate relationship and the individualities of the partners in it.
The negatives and prevention. What worked for me.
The energy of a new relationship is a strong biochemical cocktail and can be one of the reasons a person makes the choice to live in ethical non-monogamy. I’m not saying that this is the best motivation to choose polyamory, but it is a valid reason.
When my relationship transitioned to ethical non-monogamy and I started to meet new people, I had some fears. One of them was related to how getting together with a new person would affect my connection with my partner. My understanding of ethical non-monogamy is such, that one relationship should not come at the expense of another. But at the same time, I am an emotional being who chose to practice polyamory precisely because the emotional aspect of my relationships is no less important than the physical one. The question for me was not whether linking with a new person would cause me to experience the new relationship energy, but how to make sure that this energy will not harm my other relationship. At the same time, I had no desire to suppress NRE, rather I wanted to learn how to direct it, so that I could experience it in its fullness, without letting it harm my already established relationship.
The fact that I care helped on its own. Another thing that helped was the attitude of my partner and the fact, that he doesn’t show either unreasonable jealousy or pettiness.
When we are the side, that enters a new relationship, we are in the position to be proactive and to plan and communicate with our established partners how we imagine the management of NRE. These are just principles of openness and respect. Here is what worked for me:
I do tell. Even before I had a hint of starting a new relationship with somebody, I said to my partner that I feel insecure about how NRE would eventually affect our relationship. I explained that when I start new relationships, the hormone injection I receive is strong, constant, and long-lasting. I confessed that I am afraid to start neglecting him in some way, although I consciously have no such intentions. I could not say that such openness in relationships is always easy and pleasant, but in the end, I don’t regret, that I took this direction. It costs me a lot, but also gives me plenty.
I cared and was ready to work for us. I don’t know how he perceived my position, I only knew that this is what I meant, when we had this conversation. And even though we did not always understand each other with this particular person, most often we understand the emotional leitmotif in our dialogue – and that helped.
I accept that I am in the NRE phase. Completely consciously, at the beginning of new relationships, I set myself up to be on the lookout for my own behavior towards my established partners. By presumption, I accept that I am in the whirlwind of the honeymoon, and I need to keep the balance in my relationships with my partners. I’m not waiting for somebody to tell me I’m in NRE.
In this material, we cover mostly how the partners of my established relationships deal with my NRE, but let’s mention something about the new partner. It is best to try and avoid impulsive and sudden changes in our lifestyle at a very early stage, such as moving our residence so that we are closer to our new partner. Such ill-considered decisions can cause us harm in the long run. Otherwise, I am convinced that your new partner is an awesome person.
I pay attention to what and how I talk. The acceptance step helps a lot to realize that there are a lot of ways to say the same thing. I personally try to find a balanced way. I know that when people are in this amorous and completely pink phase they tend to be a bit more self-focused and rarely have the resource to realise how they look and sound from the outside, but this is important to note. We’ve all been hooked like that and know what the feeling is.
It is best to explore, i.e., ask, whether your established partner needs to hear how enthusiastic you feel about your new relationship, how perfect and awesome is your new partner, and how your current feelings are hard to compare to anything so far. I personally am quick to set boundaries. They sound something like this:
“I understand the phase you are in with your new relationship, but if you want to talk to somebody about how hyped and excited you are, and how awesome your new partner is, maybe it’s better to call a friend or just somebody else.”
Puppy love is a beautiful experience – very pleasant, very strong, and sometimes it could be deep and meaningful. It happens to make me slightly envious because in most cases NRE is something that can happen only once between us and a specific partner. With my established partners it already happened. For better or worse, it is in the past.
I remind myself that when the initial energy of the new relationship wears off, it’s also up to me, whether I will have the privilege to be still in my established relationship. I try to avoid behaviors that would lead to the degradation of our connection. In the end, my behavior is what’s under my control. My hope is that I am not the only one who realizes that and that my partners also are responsible – to me, to themselves, and to everyone else.
I observe my partners from the established relationships for any changes in their behavior towards me. I just try, when I’m under NRE, to stay sensitive and considerate to my other partners. When I notice any change in their behavior, even before I ask them why this change is happening, I try to answer whether it was not a result of something that I had changed.
I ask my partner how they feel. I ask open-ended questions in which the focus is on the established relationship. When you ask, you are once more proactive towards keeping the relationship in good condition and showing consideration to your established partner’s feelings.
If, on the other hand, you think that your partner has a concern that they are not comfortable saying out loud it is also acceptable to ask:
“Is there something about my new relationship that bothers you? How do you feel in terms of the time and attention you receive from me lately?”
Listen to their answer carefully and ask clarifying questions if necessary. Open-ended questions work better.
Sometimes we will not like everything that we hear as an answer. Don’t make the mistake of getting into a defensive mode. If you catch yourself in such behavior, it is best to step away from the situation and come back to the conversation after you’ve calmed down and are ready to listen.
I create the conditions needed for the good well-being of my established relationship. I take a purely practical approach – I organize a trip or some other type of pleasant time together with my established partner.
I try to not use all the time I spend on my new relationship at the expense of the established one. Some of the time for my new relationship is being sacrificed from my time for rest, hobbies, side interests, friends, even sleep or vacation. And sometimes this time comes at the expense of the already established relationship. I just cannot afford to have all the invested in my new relationship time, to be sacrificed from my established one. Everything must “suffer equally”, including the job, hobbies, friends, sleep, and my established relationship.
I also try to create good conditions by showing love and affection to the people who are my partners from before. I remind them that they are valued, and the reasons why I value them. With me, this is mostly expressed with actions.
I don’t forget that the wheel is spinning. At this moment I am in an NRE situation but tomorrow my partner could easily take my place. I want to treat my partner with the same attitude that I would also like to receive from him when he is in my shoes. When the right attitude is there, even if somebody makes a wrong step, it is much easier to overcome the mistake, to forgive. I believe this behavior is also in a way acceptance of responsibility.
So far, we have covered the prevention part which sounds like my grandmother – “Be careful!”, “You’ll fall down!” and “Stop climbing there”. But where are the positive aspects then?
NRE could also have a beneficial effect on your already established relationships. If we imagine one healthy relationship, that is already established, there we can find the following benefits in the presence of NRE.
Support. There is a probability that your established partners are aware enough to give you the needed space so that you can experience NRE. Possibly they expect that after you enter a new relationship, its enrgy will hit you hard and this might cause a temporary change in your behavior or some other spontaneous and unexpected actions. This is somehow similar to the self-soothing strategies that some people use to try to cope alone with hard feelings before they initiate a conversation with their partners. In a situation like this, I would expect things like spending less time together, reducing the amount of online communication, etc. Another example could be the unintentional outburst about how much my partner is fascinated by his new girlfriend. When I’ve accepted this type of behavior as expected and understandable, I am less upset, when such attitude catches up with me.
Compression…or in other words, joy caused by someone else’s joy. In the poly context, this particularly means feeling happy, when we see our partner, who is enjoying a sexual and/or romantic intimacy with other people. If you are still not there, do not think that you are “less poly”. I mention compression here only because, in the end, this feeling could emerge from circumstances close to this context – when our partner is excited about another person.
Appreciation. If compression is something, that seems to apply to “people that are much more poly than you” and you don’t get it or you have not felt it, here is something that you might be more familiar with, namely appreciation and joy of having the ability to enter a new relationship, while you are still in the existing one. Don’t forget to express your appreciation and humility and bring them to your partner’s knowledge. If you feel this way, don’t keep it inside – it can be one of the greatest joys that you might grant your partner. “I am thankful to you, for giving me the opportunity to experience something so exciting and joyful. Without you this won’t be possible, not in this form and completeness. Thank you for your strength, courage, and trust!” The repercussion of such recognition can be so calming and powerful that it could completely compensate for some unwanted behavior, which you might have expressed during the NRE phase. It can be healing. Don’t deprive yourself of it, and don’t deprive your partners either.
Energy. We are talking about the ENERGY of a new relationship. It is powerful, euphoric, reckless, completely unreasonable, beautiful, sassy, compulsive, outrageous! It drives us to feel like we are floating above the ground, and makes us more self-confident and happier! Try to do so, so that this energy can reach your established connections as well. Use your “new eyes” with which you look at your new partner to see your other relationships, too.
Experience the energy of the new relationship in the healthiest, but also fulfilling way possible. Be careful with your favorite people, but don’t fight NRE. It is a unique experience, for which you usually have just one chance with a given partner. While navigating through NRE could be difficult and has hidden obstacles, don’t oppose it. Just make it safe and constructive – as much as possible.
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