A person would think that by embracing the poly philosophy, new horizons for dating people with a similar lifestyle and worldview, would open automatically. Practice, on the other hand, shows that this is not always the case, especially in areas such as the Balkan Peninsula, where ENM is not yet very widespread and there are still no established communities that one could join. Every newly hatched polyamorist on our territory starts from scratch and in a significant percentage of cases begins their ENM journey all alone.
Sooner or later after discovering that we are poly, we begin to feel the necessity to find a partner or partners with a similar to our value system. Someone with whom we can mutually like each other. It would also be important for us to agree on fundamental topics such as what type of ENM we want, what boundaries we need, what kind of hierarchy we envision, etc. Usually, we find very quickly that we are actually looking for a needle in a haystack, and finding companions for our mindset, with whom to feel mutual attraction, on top of that, is doomed. At least in its original form, i.e. in the way how it emerged in our head. We find out that we have to either stop trying to satisfy our quests entirely, or simply work with what is available and be willing to compromise. In the general case, we are not yet ready to give up entirely and choose to compromise.
We will dive into the case of the mono-poly relationship, in which we choose to try to build a relationship with a monogamous person and we will focus on these aspects that are the most likely and logical to go wrong. And they are quite a lot, because we are talking about fundamental differences in the value systems between poly and mono people, and these differences imply significant collisions and adjustments.
I fully understand the intended choice of poly people to compromise with some of the things they want to see in their partner. I’m talking about the case in which a poly person is willing to enter into a relationship with a monogamous partner, who doesn’t want to be poly. In practice, we simply choose to date a mono person with whom we at least feel a mutual attraction, over not dating anybody for the next months/years to come. I have also made that choice, and more than once, as a matter of fact. I am aware of other similar cases with some of my poly acquaintances. I can think of almost none, however, in which the relationship between a poly and a mono person has lasted significantly longer. In all breakups between poly and mono people, that I am aware of, there has been a lot of bitterness – in the end, both of them feel deceived. Why is this happening?
The main possible reason is that most likely we are ENM since recently, based on the fact that we decided that we can accept this compromise. If we are indeed newbies in this lifestyle, this means that we have no practical experience from which to draw from or “lead” the relationship with our new mono partner. If we are recent poly enthusiasts, it goes without saying that we were monogamous not that long ago. If our partner is also monogamous, this practically means that there is not even one person around who is aware of the dynamics of ENM in relationships. That way things may pretty likely and easily get out of hand.
Based on my observations, the motivation of mono people to start an ENM relationship is most often that they have fallen for each other quite a lot. They are not looking for ENM in the first place, often they don’t know what it is, and sometimes they have not even heard of it. They just want to have a normal relationship. However, they meet an irresistible poly person and decide that they have good enough reasons to try and have a relationship with them, regardless of the “minor” difference in both involved parties’ worldview.
When this scenario happens, most often the mono person is initially positive about the ENM idea but purely in theory. I’ve received many comments from monogamous people on dating apps such as: “Well, at least there are no lies”, “it’s not wrong since everybody involved agrees and it works out for them”, “I think it takes a lot of courage and strength” etc. It is possible, however, that the mono person is strongly attracted and they are aiming at establishing the relationship now, but in fact the real goal would be to “close” it and make it monogamous in the foreseeable future. This scenario may originate from the depths of the mono partner’s unconscious, or it might be a cold-blooded and planned action of a psychopath. In my opinion, giving a relationship such a start is a sure sign of a disaster.
Another very common scenario is that the monogamous person does not pay much attention to all this ENM nonsense that we often tell them and simply does not take the topic seriously. One of the reasons might be that they just do not believe that ENM is even possible in practice. This is especially popular if they do not have any good examples and just have never come across any successful open relationships around them. It is quite possible that ENM is so avant-garde and hard to comprehend for the mono side of the relationship, that they do not take it seriously at all and do not give it all due respect and importance – thus, simply ignore it. They might take it as a spur-of-the-moment hype – just another period we are going through. That it is just a matter of time, patience, and lack of reaction when mentioning the subject, so we can stop bringing it up in the end and start living “normally” – i.e., as a monogamous couple.
In this case, a potential setback could also be that our monogamous partner cannot grasp the concept of boundaries and is not able to handle them effectively. For example, failing to formulate their own boundaries or not respecting the boundaries of the other people involved.
Another option is simply to have their own scenario in their head as to why the subject of polyamory is brought up in the first place. They might think that the poly person has had a very traumatic experience in one of their previous relationships and all this ENM talk is just an expression of a momentary inability to commit “normally” again.
In each of the above-mentioned examples, we would encounter two main problems – lack of knowledge and culture on the subject. Respectively, lack of tools to deal with the most common issues. And as we know, in relationships, it’s a matter of “when” not “if” problems occur, and this applies with doubled force in the ENM context.
From my not-so-big practice of ethical non-monogamy with monogamous partners, I have accumulated several specific observations. When I’m in an ENM relationship with a mono person, the jealousy issue is more substantial compared to an ENM + ENM partner. And that seems quite expected to me. Another observation I have is that in a similar situation, mono people seem to have no desire to enter the ENM culture at least enough to establish common grounds of understanding between themselves and their ENM partner so that there is potential for openness. In fact, openness is a basic prerequisite for any relationship that has the slightest hint of ENM and is also very difficult for some people. Moreover, when they are not convinced of this need for openness, they find no motivation to push themselves. They don’t have to, of course, but the result would not be good either.
Among the worst effects of the collision of my ENM culture with that of my mono partners was their disrespectful attitude toward my other partners. This is something I absolutely cannot tolerate. Dealing with the jealousy displayed by my mono partner turned out to be impossible. She expressed her attitude in the form of being negative towards my other partner. Her adamant refusal for us to work on this problem was directed by “I am XX years old and I had plenty of relationships. Do not dare tell me I need to start over and learn to love again”. The situation we created with her was the fruit of our mutual attraction and the “screw everything else”. It was reckless and unfair to everyone involved.
There is, of course, the possibility that we might come across a mono person with whom we feel a mutual attraction, we want to start a relationship, and they treat our lifestyle with respect, without wanting to adopt it themselves. The mono person remains monogamous. Healthy relationships between such partners are quite possible. However, in my opinion, these relationships fall entirely within the ENM dynamic and there is nothing mono about them, except that the monogamous partner is dating only one person. Here are my reasons to think that. In order for these two to be able to get along with each other (I’m not even going to bring into the equation the possible other partners of the polyamorous side), they need the entire arsenal of best practices and effective communication approaches at their disposal to manage their relationship effectively. These practices and methods are of course related to the principles of openness and mutual consent. Openness and consent are the most ethically non-monogamous qualities a relationship can have.
The task of making things work in such a “hybrid” relationship is even more complex than managing an entirely mono or entirely ENM relationship because the viewpoints of a mono and an ENM person have a great difference. The lack of reciprocity in such relationships can make matching the positions more difficult, but not impossible – especially when the partners engage in all their openness and goodwill.
The illustration is used with the permission of the author – Saoud Abdallah
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