Let’s say that ENM is not a new concept for us, but we don’t have any practical experience. Let’s assume we are in a monogamous relationship, and we’ve decided with our partner that we want to switch to ENM. I want to take a look at a few “Yes!” behaviours and practices that can be good for us to follow during this period of transformation.
We’re not going to emphasise on the supposedly completed work by us before we open our relationship – it should be related to identifying our motivation, assessing the shape of our relationship, exploring our own mental state, examining our capabilities of open communication, ensuring consent and transparency, etc. Let’s say we’re excellent students and we already completed all this work and still think that introducing ENM is a good idea. Congratulations, you are a recklessly brave person! I already admire you!
We will mention a few “Yes!” strategies and behaviours that we should adhere to and that will supposedly help us in this transition. Transformation and change characterise transitional periods and it’s good to be aware of this in advance. As soon as we make the decision that we will switch to ENM we have to embrace the idea that there will be changes – in us, in our partners, in our relationship, and in the way we communicate.
The first “Yes!” – prepare for hard work. It’s best to not get super positive about how easy and painless we will make the transition to non-monogamy because it’s usually the difficulties that surprise us. I don’t want to sound as if the transition to ENM is a phase that is ultimately doomed to inevitable failure, but ENM affects relationships – intimate relationships. Relationships are initially difficult for most of us at least in some aspects. There is no reason to believe that something that is complex for two people would become easier or simpler if the people part of it increase to three, four or more, so let’s be realistic about what lies ahead.
The second “Yes!” is for the preliminary theoretical preparation. Let’s not skip it because it determines the framework of our idea of ENM. If we are better theoretically prepared, fewer of the coming changes will surprise us. We will less often wonder which of the things that happen to us are normal and which are not. We will doubt ourselves and our own adequacy less. We will be better prepared for the most commonly faced bad situations we could encounter. It is possible, thanks to our curiosity and pre-preparation to even succeed in avoiding some of the common mistakes when opening up a relationship. I’m generally in favour of prevention over putting out fires that have already started.
The more educated we are, the better culture on the topic we will have. Higher culture is usually a strong prerequisite for adequate judgment in intense situations, for showing tolerance and understanding towards others, and for showing proper human attitude. The best part is that building this culture is something that depends entirely on us! Find books, watch movies, read forums, participate in groups, talk to people with experience and attitude on the topic, and read People of Poly!
More knowledge – fewer bad surprises.
More knowledge – more opportunities to be proactive and creative, instead of always unpleasantly surprised…
A strong “Yes!” for getting to know ourselves and our own weaknesses which have the potential to evolve when entering ENM. In this case, we can encounter everything – we might have fear of rejection, to struggle with old traumas, to be insecure, have some PTSD, STD, or something else we don’t even suspect. The time to try to predict any of these is now BEFORE we enter ENM. And this is because ENM will walk all over any of our tiny insecurities and will completely turn upside down whatever traumas it can reach.
It is recommended that we are aware at least how we connect and attach to others, how we express our love to them, how we understand that they love us… We need this “data” now and it’s good that we have it, along with everything else we could find out for ourselves. Self-discovery, this is a never-ending process, in which we are usually too late for something or have not thought about it. With a therapist, without a therapist, with books, with groups, with psychedelics, with meditation – getting to know yourself to the fullest possible level is very beneficial and should never stop. In addition, it could be an interesting hobby!
A “Yes!” for slow reactivity. I know that this depends on the temperament of the person according to the type of nervous system, but I would anyway give a recommendation about the speed and sharpness of our reactions when we are provoked in a non-positive way – we’d better not rush into reacting. I tend to reach quickly and spontaneously in some cases. For example, when I have hurt somebody, I rush as fast as I can to fix the damage, as much as possible. When I feel threatened, on the other hand, my reaction is usually rather slow (of the “Freeze!” type). My observations are that in the ENM aspect when a conflict situation emerges, I cope and react more adequately precisely when I am the threatened or “victimized” side with my slow “freeze” reaction. When I am in the role of the side that hurt somebody, I’m in a hurry to “repair” the damage done. It’s like I feel more in control of the situation and decide that as I caused it, I’m also in the position to “fix” it. Unfortunately, in my urgency I often make even more mistakes from not thinking straight, not listening, and overseeing things. Most often, in my desire to fix things, I just spill some line that…does not help that much in the situation. Practically speaking, I act more adequately in the “harder” situation to bear, and this is mainly due to the lower level of spontaneity when my reactions occur in such cases.
It is good to note that the probability of making a mistake while saying something is far bigger than the probability of making a mistake while trying to listen. In other words, let’s emphasise on the listening part during communication and thus give a chance for a slower and more adequate reaction when emotional turbulence occurs.
The case is different for all people – some might benefit from the advice to count to three when they feel threatened (probably because they say things that they don’t think during their emotions). Others may react too harshly to conflicts between their partner and their metamours. It would be very helpful for everybody who enters ENM to identify upfront what exact stimuli provoke such lightning and too harsh reaction and to try to consciously mitigate it when it occurs.
“Yes!” to openness i.e., to learn to communicate openly and honestly. Communication training is a bit like the self-discovery in a previous “Yes!”. This is a never-ending process in which you are never up to pace, and you’ve always forgotten something, or you have misunderstood something else. If we are living in ENM, we have to get used to the idea that we’re going to have uncomfortable conversations, unconfortable topics, and often we will happen to be in places that…we’re not comfortable in. It’s good to know what to expect when such situations arise. The worst-case scenario – communication stops or stops being open (i.e., we are not being truthful to each other).
There are also less bad scenarios – communication is open, but not complete, it does not flow naturally, and is untimely if, for example, it happens too late. I hope I’m not despairing anyone, but it happened to me to finally feel understood about a particular case months after it had emerged.
When we are about to open up an existing monogamous relationship, the good part is that we are aware of how the involved partner reacts to conflict situations from before we enter ENM together. We have good reason to assume that our partner will have similar to their previous reactions, perhaps stronger. But we also have a serious dose of unpredictability due to the perceived novelty of the situation.
The actual conversations about entering ENM between two monogamous partners can be a good exercise in communication openness. We can “exercise” in opennes by completely dissecting with our partner the topic of our motivation to open our relationship. This could be a difficult question to discuss, which could put both of you in a vulnerable position. It is a good idea to take advantage of the fact that there is, practically, no conflict, but the topic is important and can be also sensitive. We can convert this or any other “tough” topic into a beautiful display of how we want to handle difficult questions – through patience, honesty, concern, mutual support, and love.
A “Yes!” to clear boundaries and agreements, which we might start defining in advance before we practically open the relationship. Some examples of such boundaries and agreements might be related to sexual contact safety or connecting with mutual for us and our partner’s friends, as well as everything else that we might know in advance would upset us or jeopardise our relationship. These topics may concern the amount of time spent with our other partners (for example “We will sleep away from home no more than X times a week”) or to timely testing for STDs. It is a good practice to introduce boundaries and agreements (or even rules, if you will) for things that are really important to us, in advance.
If, on the other hand, we feel that we want to add rules at large, such as “no blondes”, “no people taller than 1.80 cm”, “no men with long hair” – something is not right. We have to be ready to clearly distinguish what is really important for us, what we want to introduce as a boundary or consent, from our desire to “forbid” our partner from all connections with other people via adding tons of rules which serve such hypothesis. If we “catch” ourselves or our partner leaning towards the boundaries in an attempt to limit the other in any way, then we’ve found a great topic to practice open communication together.
One last “Yes!” for joy! The open and in-depth communication on which ENM ultimately relies is not a territory occupied only by polyamorous relationships. We find such communication in healthy and fulfilling relationships filled with understanding and joy. Relationships in which there is joy are even not necessarily related to intimacy. We find joy in any authentic relationship in which we put effort, in which we are able to communicate openly, in which we understand ourselves and our partner and feel autonomous, free, and confident to state our boundaries. Yes, this polyamory thing may be difficult at times, as it requires effort, but how much joy it can bring…
The illustration is used with the permission of the author – Saoud Abdallah
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