Are you really ENM if you haven’t told your children and parents?

I recently posted a topic related to polyamory in one of the most popular Bulgarian forums. The thread managed to survive a full 4 days before being locked. The forum is mostly attended by women over 20 years of age and most of them have reached different stages of their journey as parents. I could easily say that this is a relatively conservative community, and it was clear to me in advance what reactions I could expect. I was not wrong – there were a lot of people who reacted to the topic without even trying to understand it with some of them even showing a lot of hate. Not even for a moment was I affected by their reactions, and my approach remained patient and polite until the end.

Still, some users have raised valid and significant issues, although intertwined with hate that could be easily seen through. One of these questions was about how open polyam people are with their family circle, with children and parents to be precise. Although the questions were meant to hurt, I chose to look past that and here we are, in an article where I will explain to whom, what, and why I say or don’t say about my way of living an ethically non-monogamous lifestyle.

Do my parents and my children know? The short answer is no. The truth is that I practice the “Don’t ask – Don’t tell” approach with them regarding polyamory. If they ask me directly whether I am in an intimate relationship with another person, different from the one they already know about, I will not be able to bend myself and lie. In that case, I would not hide it and deep down I believe that they would listen to me and eventually understand. What is more, their attitude towards me would not change. Probably they would have some questions so they could gain full understanding, to be able to continue to feel the same sense of security towards me. I do not doubt that I am totally capable of meeting their needs in that regard.

For now, however, I will save myself from getting into that topic. Some people might find this a bit hypocritical – what kind of supporter and activist for ENM am I if I do not have the guts to tell my family?! Well, as I noted above, I do have the guts. And if they ask, I will not stall them.

I am not proactive about telling my family that I am ethically non-monogamous, because my lifestyle is organized in such a way that it does not affect them directly. I had some cases when both my parents and my children met some of my partners and they had a really nice time. We just did not mention the whole pallette of our relationship. I am not certain whether such an eye-opener would be a great or little alarm to them, but I am sure it would temporarily worry them to some extent.

I would share this with my kids at a later stage when they start asking questions about socially accepted models of relationships and possible alternatives. In my opinion, the question is not if but when that would happen. At the present moment, they would ask themselves why do I tell them this and what exactly do I expect from them by sharing such information. When in reality I do not have any unmet needs from them in that regard. At the same time, I have the mindset that this conversation with my children will take place before they come of age. In fact, the topic of ethical non-monogamy has been discussed with them already and they know that there are different models of commitment. Perhaps under my influence, they accept both monogamy and ethical non-monogamy as perfectly valid models of partnership and also denounce cheating and identify it with betrayal. As I do.

As for parents, I think they would be worried by such a disclosure, mainly because of the many years spent in the “monogamous” society and all the accumulated mono-normative luster, which I find rather fickle and false at times. But yes, society can be a serious factor in accepting/rejecting something out of the norm in any individual. Of course, the “individual” is key here as there are differences from person to person, but in general, it seems to me that there are tendencies for older people to have a harder time accepting diversity. It is as if they are more surprised by the new information itself about an alternative to something they know from before. The difference with children is that the younger you are, the less prejudiced you are and the more willing you are to accept alternatives to your well-known beliefs, behaviors, and patterns. This applies not only to relationships but also to the way of working, arts, technical and other innovations, and whatnot. That is, the ability to adapt is not a territory reserved for young people, but it is definitely a “talent” that seems to shine brightest in youth.

Now if we were part of a big internet forum of Bulgarian moms, undoubtedly someone would insist that I’m just ashamed of myself and the way I live, and sure I may be trying to convince myself, but deep down I’m unconsciously unhappy or just deluding myself. If I have to be honest, the BG moms were left with their initial belief that they were right, and what is left for me is either I am deluding myself or I am naturally stupid, and that is exactly where my piece of mind on the subject lies. As I mentioned before, I will respond with openness to direct questions on the topic. One of the reasons to be so sure comes from realizing the inevitability that someone will be disappointed in me – a little, a lot, temporarily, or forever. I find this realization as something that comes while growing up. In the case of the BG moms, the disappointment is all-encompassing and permanent, but with the people who know me, appreciate, and love me, I think that this may not happen at all.

Another thing about entering maturity is the realization that what we may fear in our relationships with others is rarely as fatal and dramatic as we imagine it to be. Let’s take, for example, infidelity as a phenomenon – a classic BG mom rejects it completely at first, but often later in time finds herself in a situation to allow it into her life in one form or another and for a wide variety of reasons. And since the issue of my ethical non-monogamy directly affects my partners, and affects my parents and children quite indirectly, I would not expect any of my family members to be extremely upset about how I have chosen to live my life. Especially when they have observations about my relationship, which we all describe as harmonious. My ENM lifestyle, at least for now, affects my family as much as my BDSM preferences – not at all. I do not hide from them who I know and who I spend time with, but I do not discuss my sexual life with them. If ENM starts to have a direct influence on my family circle, I would also reconsider my position.