1. Tell us about yourself.
I am Lifejoy. I am a software developer by heart and studied physics at university. I also love music, gym, to connect to people and exchange ideas. I have 3 teenagers and long time NP.
2. When and how did you realise that polyamory/ENM was a thing and you could transition into this lifestyle?
5 years ago me and my wife started discussing about it. 3 years ago we started practicing it, it went well and it got integrated to my life and to hers.
3. What kind of polyamory/ethical non-monogamy are you currently practicing?
I am in a polyamorous relationship with my wife (NP which I live together and have kids with) and two girlfriends (each one lives in their own houses with their kids/husband).
We don’t do hierarchy as we care more about respecting each other needs backed by a very open communication about how we feel and trust that we are all working together to make things happen in a healthy way. I think compersion is one of the foundations that makes our arrangement work too.
In my house we wanted to do Garden Party poly, but my kids aren’t really ok integrating our parallel partners into our activities as they are still processing all this and we respect their space (we told them recently).
Me and my wife sometimes see two couples together, which are like FWB, but between couples. I can have casual sex if it happens too, but it’s not really my primary thing as I like connection very much. My partners know about it all and are ok with it.
4. Tell us about a time in the past when you treated someone / did something in a way that makes you feel bad now looking back. What happened, how did the involved parties react, how did the situation get sorted out?
My first girlfriend wanted to have sex with me when we were dating but I wanted to marry still a virgin (as I did later). I rejected her (politely) in a very sexy moment in which she was being open to me and she felt bad about it. We discussed about that, but as I had strong beliefs at that time (because of church), we couldn’t find an agreement on the matter and eventually we broke up.
I feel bad nowadays because I wasn’t prepared to give the level of connection I was provoking in her during foreplays. I shouldn’t have done that.
5. Tell us how you switched to ENM.
After 15 years or monogamous marriage, my wife came to me telling me that she had strong feelings and desires for someone else. She was feeling very guilty but we openly discussed about that and I let myself develop in this field, reading books, listening to podcasts and also accepting my own desires. Then we started experimenting parallel relationships and naturally found out that we could love other people and that didn’t affect our relationship or our kids in a bad way at all.
6. Tell us about one of your most significant positive ENM experiences.
I am still in a relationship with M (my first girlfriend after starting ENM). Since the beginning we felt that we fulfill some needs from each other that our wife/husband don’t, which is nice for everyone.
By practicing ENM I could also realize how strong is the feminine mind and sexuality and how it is important to respect and help people to be themselves instead of trying to fit in a kind of idealized “model”.
7. How has polyamory changed you? How are you different today compared to when you switched to ENM? What did ENM give you, what did it take away from you?
Yes. Having intimate connection with different people helped me learn a lot about my body, my mind and the life/desires of others.
ENM gave me a lot of love from people around me, freedom to express things that were hidden before and a lot of fun. It removed the shame I had in relation to my deep desires also because now I can talk about it freely (before I was hiding from my wife that sometimes I watch porn, for example).
8. Share with us any of your boundaries that help you navigate in ENM.
I don’t have a list of rules. What I expect is respect for everyone involved and clear communication. Respect doesn’t mean everyone will be 100% all the time, but that you are working to understand and help with everyone’s needs (also yours). It means also that not everyone is compatible with this “style” and then you can’t force them, which means giving up sometimes.
9. Do you have difficulties fitting into society in any way due to your ENM lifestyle? How is this choice of yours accepted by your wider family/friends circle?
I don’t have difficulties in society because not everybody knows about it, but I don’t expect to have big problems even if everyone knew about it, maybe because I live in a very open country and my family is not “public”.
Because of our church background it’s difficult to share this with my parents and some close aunts, uncles and cousins, which is not perfect for me, but I understand also that it could cause unnecessary distress to them. With close friends and family members that are more open I could talk about it and they had a very positive reaction. Most of them were happy seeing that I was happy and integrated to this lifestyle, but a few were doubtful, like “ok, if it’s is working for you it’s ok”. None was against or punishing me. Normally the reaction is better than I expected (maybe because I chose well who to tell to :D)
10. Is there anything in ENM lifestyle that you find difficult? Tell us about it.
It’s not “difficult”, but you have to work in order to communicate well, connect and make things go well between all parties involved. Everyone needs to make concessions, adapt, plan and improvise a bit also, especially with all the kids, partners, feelings and responsibilities around. But I tell you that it is worth it
11. Describe your efforts and best practices in terms of STD prevention. What are your safety recommendations ENM-wise?
– Condoms by default
– Non condoms bubbles only with tested, trusted and close partners
– Don’t try to add to the bubble people that don’t really want to comply with it just because you want to do unprotected sex. It’s risky for everyone and prone to conflicts.
– Discuss and stimulate the discussion about STD prevention with all your partners to bring awareness that this is important and make this a natural talk
– Be open when someone tells you they committed an error or have a problem (like having unsafe sex with a stranger) and make it also “natural” that now he/she should test herself and is outside the bubble temporarily. Make it a safety procedure, not a punishment. Thank the person for being open.
– HPV vaccine recommended
12. Share your best practices that you follow at ENM and why they are important to you.
– Respect your core needs and the needs of everyone around (https://gppsychology.co.uk/blog/understanding-core-childhood-needs/?amp). This creates empathy, removes anxiety and makes everything much easier and drama-free.
– “Include” your partners in your adventures so they feel connected to you even when you are alone with another person. That creates trust and removes insecurities from them, simply because they really know what is happening with you. You don’t need to share “private” details, but it’s good to express some excitement, frustration and expectations around new or existing relationships. All your partners are smart and will always try to understand “what is happening”. Or you tell them, or they will create a “anxious” version of it. Experiment with the level of sharing each one needs and respect also how much you should share.
– Each relationship is different. Don’t try to force something that works in one relationship in another. Go with the flow and give feedback about what you like (and don’t like) do you model the relationship individually.
13. What did we miss to ask you that is important? Place the question and answer it
Q: Would you come back from ENM?
A: For now no because it would be painful… I would miss the freedom and the loving environment around me a lot!
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