Part 2 is here.
When I was in my junior school years, a classmate of mine asked me who my best friend was. The question puzzled me because I heard the phrase “best friend” for the very first time. Realizing the meaning of the phrase provoked me to assume that if I have a best friend, then probably I must have a worse friend. And what would that oxymoron friend be?
My classmate was quickly annoyed because she probably expected me to throw out some name, but instead, I started to get philosophical about her question. But really, whenever asked I never threw out just some name – I refused to have a best friend, so that I wouldn’t have to have a worse friend as well, according to my flawless logic.
One of the things that made me write about the act of comparing partners in polyamory was a question in a comment under another article. Another reason is that I actually want to write about the feeling of threat, but in another, slightly different, personal aspect – through the prism of the personality and personal, and not from the point of view of external, unfamiliar behaviors and the reactions related to these. As we are going to clarify a bit later, to compare to the other partners of your partner is something like generating jealousy on your own.
Why do we even compare – ourselves with others, and somebody else with the rest? I don’t think that comparison is always something bad or is necessarily a malicious act. Comparing is a function of the intellect – familiarization on a basic level. Without seeing the differences between people, we would not be able to evaluate their value and uniqueness. We would not be able to assess who we like as a person, to whom we are attracted to, who we want to work with, who we want to be our friend, who inspires us, and who we want to emulate. I’m clarifying this because comparison is often described as a disastrous behavior in ENM context, although I think that this is only partially true. And naturally, everything very much “depends” on everything else.
Mono-normativity plays a key role in comparing people to one another. We are so used to being preached that everybody has a single and specific “other half”. This half is, essentially, the best because it is perfect for you. The mono-normative concept for “the one” in simple translation means something like “I looked at everybody very carefully, I got to know some of them, and I declare that you are the only suitable partner for me. Respectfully you are the best among everybody, and I decided to love only you.” Monogamy is fundamentally about picking one and hoping they are the best choice. The norms of society have taught us that this is love – to compare and choose the best, i.e. “true love” is a direct product of comparison and choice. However, polyamory implies a completely different view of the world and dynamics in the relationship.
The value of polyamory is in the replacement of the pressure to make the one and only right choice with the freedom to choose more than one – more than one relationship, more than one person, more than one love. And there is no need for so much comparison because your job is to answer questions such as: Am I attracted to this person? Do I want to get our relationship to next level? Such questions are far more “inward” towards us (how I am feeling about this person), rather than “outward” (what is this person like). The polyamorists’ core values imply less necessity to compare people but sadly the mono-normative varnish has been heavily layered over our thinking and reaction habits. We need to readjust so that we don’t get stuck in mono-normative ruts.
In a polyamorous environment comparing is not necessarily a bad thing. For example, I have long, straight brown hair, while the partner of my partner has blond, curly, short hair. This parallel objectively points out a difference between me and her, but it lacks an evaluative element and that’s why it does not cause stress in anyone. However, it would be stressful and concerning if somebody stated that one of us is “better” or in some way “more valuable” than the other, based on the qualities of her hair. Because if one of us is defined as “the best friend” the other is automatically left with the definition of the “worst friend”. And nobody wants to be the worst friend, and it would not be fair to anybody to be defined in such way in a polyamorous relationship.
Herein lies the problem with hierarchy and polyamory. Everyone feels deep down that if they have a best friend, somebody will have to be entitled to the “worst friend”.
Materials related to polyamory often repeat the advice to avoid comparisons, but for me, this is mostly impossible, as well as unnatural. We can cultivate our vocabulary so that we avoid all comparisons, but this automatically means to say goodbye to the integrity and authenticity of communication, simply because our brain works with comparisons. For the sake of authenticity and naturality of communication, I would call for working not towards avoiding comparisons between partners, but towards avoiding the evaluative element when comparing vocally.
We won’t put too much emphasis on the cases in which a person compares two of their partners because it is actually not that common…or at least it should not be that common in poly context. Years passed since I’m living in ENM and I’m meeting more and more poly people around me. I communicate with them and see that rarely anyone intends to compare their partners or to belittle any of them. Often a person unintentionally compares two or more of their partners simply to compliment them – “You are the easiest to talk to about those things” or “You make the best omelets/blowjobs/parties”. The intentions in such a statement are probably positive, but the effect is not always positive. When I hear something like that, I sometimes wonder what will happen with this relationship of mine, when my partner ends up with somebody who makes even better omelets/blowjobs/parties than I do? If you ask me, in polyamorous relationships, compliments in the form of comparisons are not that appropriate, the least because there are other easy ways to convey a positive message and to make a compliment. Just emphasize the positive part on its own, without adding the context of comparison. “You make great omelets” is no less valuable than “You make the best omelets”.
People become polyamorous to have the opportunity to experience different relationships with different partners. The polyamorous way of living allows us to have more of the experiences we want to go through. Polyamory is not a stop where we get off to group with a few more travelers, so that we can then evaluate them and rate them by who’s best at what. People can only be accepted in their entirety, otherwise they are being objectified.
When I spend time together with two of my partners, I’m never wondering, even for a moment, who among them is better at what – I simply enjoy the opportunity of this unusual and fulfilling togetherness, that is comparable with nothing else. When I’m in love with more than one person at the same time and these feelings are reciprocated, I am so happy and fulfilled that it’s impossible for my mind to move in the direction of “Let’s see who of them is better at what and at the end to draw the line and determine who is more valuable”. What we have with one of our partners cannot be and should not diminish what we have with another of our partners. What we have with our partner, cannot and should not diminish what they have with another partner.
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