Part 1 is here.
Certainly, the experience in polyamory plays a great role when it comes to changing our habits of comparing. The more we practice, the clearer we see how pointless it is to compare other people or ourselves to others. We see how comparisons do not bring us anything positive, but they bring the possibility to make mistakes in the way we say things and affect somebody without any actual intent. We understand how each person and each relationship can be observed only in its entirety and it doesn’t matter who among our partners is prettier, taller, or more talented in their own area, just because 2 + 2 does not always equal 4 in the aspect of human interactions. In an ethical aspect, comparing our partners is equal to comparing your children, or pushing your children to compare the love that they feel for each of their parents (in the cases when they have more than one caregiving figure).
However, there is one even more mischievous aspect of comparing, namely cases in which we compare ourselves with partners of our partners. I believe that by doing this, we open the door widely to jealousy, because we are perceiving those to whom we compare ourselves in our head, as a direct threat. That way we can fall into a self-feeding poisonous spiral, that can turn our whole world upside down.
I find that insecurity and fear are among the main reasons to compare ourselves with other people. Fear and insecurity on the other hand often originate again from the mono-normative understanding that our partner with be comparing us for a while and in the end will draw the line saying “Well, my partner X definitely is a much better choice than partner Y…So I’m staying with X”. Let me remind you that if you are in a polyamorous relationship, your partner does not have to make such a choice. Your partners will not have expectations or requirements that you are the best at… They will be motivated to be with you, while your relationship gives them something valuable, regardless of whether you are the best at something or not. We are too used to love meaning that you need to tell your loved one, that they’re better than everyone else. There is no need for us to make any of our partners the “top”, nor it is necessary for us to be compared to other partners.
To compare ourselves to the rest of the partners is one of the traps we often fall into as beginner polyamorists. We may also tend to dig deeper into comparisons to a level of toxicity, which can ruin our relationship, our health, or both. Comparing ourselves with other people can be bringing a certain dose of obsessiveness, which is no joke, and if we feel it should look for help before we’re heavily stuck. The obsessive and constant comparison with others has initiated not one or two depressions, both in and outside of ENM context.
How to stop this vicious cycle? In case polyamory is something relatively new for you, it would help a lot to gain some more personal experience. When I first found myself in the situation of loving two people at the same time, I was so overwhelmed with joyful excitement that it never occurred to me to compare my partners, even for a moment, and this was not even because they were of different genders. I just lacked the mono-normative feeling that I had to choose something, so I had no reason to compare anyone. Why, then, I would assume that my partners would compare and evaluate me, to their other partners, given that they have good intentions towards me and them both?
Wonderful theory. However, I’ve noticed that when the root of the problem is connected to inner insecurity or low self-esteem, rationalizing the situation does not work well enough. The best we can do is to deal – with or without help from outside – with the root cause, namely the inner wounds inflicted by insecurity. We can use the “area” in which we feel threatened as a beacon that points us to the place in our soul that needs to be healed. If we feel threatened because the other partner is probably cleverer than us, we need to try to remember when and how we felt stupid for the first time. If we think that the other partner is indeed threatening us because they are more beautiful – we try to remember when in the past was the time we felt “not beautiful enough”?
Another way we can support ourselves is to “humanize” the partners we compare ourselves with and perceive as a threat. One way for that is to share how we feel with our partner and explain that we need their support. It would help if they share what the relationship with their other partner means to them. Not just telling us “She is blond, teaches physics, drives a Toyota, talks fast, and reads two books each week”. Such a statement would only make us compare with her blondness and erudition. We don’t want a chronological recital of facts either – we met first in the center of the city, we were then at a restaurant, and finally we went to their place. We want a different type of sharing, which can describe what our partner finds as valuable in their relationship.
“We laugh a lot. You know that I don’t know a lot of polyamorous people, she is one of the three poly persons I know. She told me about her husband and his girlfriend and how they both organized a surprise party together for his birthday last year. I thought it was very nice and cool! I was daydreaming how someday I might organize something similar for you with your other partner”. I think the result of comparing the two examples is obvious – we don’t want a presentation of dry data, but a description of the real and personal experiences. So that we can see the intimate, the human side, both in our partner and in the interaction with their partner.
Another thing that would help us stop the development of the comparison spiral is to meet the meta partner, who in our head, poses a threat to our relationship. Oh yes, if in our head this partner did not threaten our relationship, then there would not be the need to struggle to stop comparing ourselves to them. Most often, polyamorous people are well-intentioned towards their meta partners. Sometimes meeting them can lead to calming the situation down. We humanize them, and while getting to know them we can clearly see that they have a good attitude towards our partner, we witness how many common things they have, how many common things they have even with ourselves. In other words, we find reasons to like them, which on its hand relieves the situation of tension. It is then when we realize, both rationally and emotionally that to compare with them is pointless because nobody really wants to take anything away from us. However, these are not monogamous relationships, where there is room only for the “best” partner. These are polyamorous relationships, in which one partnership is unmeasurable and does not apply to any other. And this, my friends, is the beauty of polyamory.
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