Continuation of Part 1.
If the storm of negative emotions has passed its peak, we can engage in a detailed retrospective, during which we can discuss what has happened and why. The aim of such a conversation could be only one – to identify the lessons learned and to decide together how to act in similar situations in the future. But again – without excuses and too many unnecessary detailed explanations from the “guilty” side. We have already accepted our guilt during the previous stage of venting the emotions and it should not seem as if we are now backsliding. While we speak about guilt, I want to mention that I’m a little annoyed with how this has now transformed into a dirty word and how feeling guilty about any occasion is a sign of poor emotional intelligence, low self-esteem or weakness. I am absolutely aware that with some people there is a pathological and constant self-blame for unreal reasons, but after all, feeling guilty when you’ve done something wrong is perfectly natural. Guilt is not some shameful emotion, that we must necessarily run from. Guilt is nothing but responsibility. Responsibility in past tense.
Therefore, at the next stage of development, we must turn to taking responsibility for our behaviour now. And now. And now. And in the future. Together with our hurt significant other, we could try to outline a framework on how to cope in future similar situations. Commit to different behaviour in the future, if there is room for such a discussion and you feel that it is meaningful. Your intention to change must be agreed with your partner – they should have the opportunity to express how they would like you to behave in future similar cases. However, bring together ideas that would work for both sides and not only in one way or the other. No matter how wrong you were, if you are forgiven, you should be forgiven, and you should not compensate for your actions from the past until infinitum. Things just do not work that way and such a compensatory mechanism does not exist.
It makes sense to try to be open and supportive when our loved person asks us in the future about some detail or circumstance related to the point of conflict, where we “went wrong”. It is in the interest of both parties that this conversation about the conflict action is normalised and does not cause restoration of all the initial negative feelings. This means to forget about the defensive (or irritated) behavior and just answer the question openly and well-intentioned as much as we can, instead of getting annoyed that we are brought back to the old topic once again.
It is no less important to be as open and proactive as we can when a similar situation to the one, for which we asked for forgiveness, arises. Since we’re in the ENM space and it’s easier for me to address this question through examples, I will use ENM case to illustrate. If, let’s say that we had intimate contact with partner X without using barrier protection and this was a conscious violation of a boundary we have with partner Y, we should not turn the topic into a taboo. Let’s say that after the storm has passed, our condom breaks while we are with X again – it is much better to proactively share that with Y, instead of sweeping it under our favourite carpet. That way Y will understand that we have no intention to hide something, that affects them, even though it will be probably unpleasant having to discuss broken barrier methods with Y once again. The point is to be proactive so that we don’t risk Y wondering whether we are secretly ignoring the barrier method.
If I’ve overshared too personal information about my partner in front of somebody, and they’ve already forgiven me about it, the next time when wonder if I should mention something about them to another person, I could just ask. That way I will show my partner that I care about respecting their boundaries and about their feelings.
Perhaps this sounds too close to unnecessary tip-toeing around the person, who forgave us. It’s worth mentioning here that rebuilding trust in the relationship requires diligence and extra attention. In healthy relationships, this lasts for a limited period of time. Broken trust requires effort to rebuild, but it should not be disproportionate or at the expense of our own boundaries. What disproportionate or at the expense of our own boundaries means, is a matter of a personal sense for relationship health. If I receive excuses for the same action for the tenth time, I would be hesitant about the health of the relationship that I’m in. Not to mention that nothing disappoints and hurts me more than repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
In the case when I need to be forgiven for the same thing for the N-th time, I would ask myself whether things are breaking on a more fundamental level. Why is this happening again? Is it too difficult for me to take the necessary care and diligence, so that I don’t disappoint my significant other? Or maybe they are not that significant to me anymore? Or are the requirements that have been applied to me inadequate and therefore I cannot meet them?
Even if our truly loved ones forgive us for our disappointing actions, sometimes life is so fun, playful, and mischievous that it does not allow us to forgive ourselves. Dragging pointless residual guilt from here till the end of time deteriorates not only the quality of our relationship with the person we have wronged. It mainly hinders us. It stops us from changing and growing, torments our souls, and can negatively affect our health. If we find ourselves in this dark and cold place, we must try to get ourselves out of there and, if needed, even scream for help. Even I sometimes forgive others and myself, and keep in mind that I’m a really nasty person????.
We should not stop looking for a reason to forgive, because nobody deserves to be in this horrible place forever. I know it’s hard to believe, but we are not the action we cannot forgive ourselves for.
The illustration is used with the permission of the author – Saoud Abdallah
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