I wrote this material months ago. I am publishing it today, which coincides with another protest against the amendments to the Preschool and School Education Act, which prohibits the discussion of LGBTI+ topics in schools. The material was written without any idea of politicizing the topic but given that the change in the law was born from a pure sample of sex negativism, rooted so deeply in the people of Bulgaria, I have nothing against it being considered politicized. I will be there tonight, as I was last week, and I will be there as long as I can and as long as necessary.
Here is some context for the folks living outside Bulgaria.
We must begin with a definition of sex positivity because to some people it might sound like indiscriminate acceptance of all kinds of sexual practices in unhealthy high doses. It was difficult for me to find myself a short, plain, and complete definition of the term “sex positivity” in Bulgarian, so our definition just won’t be short. Here is what sex positivism includes for me:
- Perception of sexuality as something natural and intrinsic for a person. Accepting and honoring one’s sexuality, autonomy, freedom, and sexual desires.
- Belief that there should be a safe environment, where people can accept, explore, and educate themselves about their sexuality and gender without facing judgment or shame. Providing inclusive and comprehensive sexual and reproductive health education.
- Participating in safe sexual practices i.e., regular, and adequate testing, seeking consent, using contraceptives, and practicing family planning.
- A non-judgmental and respectful attitude towards different expressions of sexuality and gender. Affirming of mine or somebody else’s sexual identity, behavior, orientation, and preferences.
- Communicating my boundaries in an open, clear, and empathetic manner, as well as respecting other people’s boundaries.
I went through a lot of materials on the topic of sex positivity, and I noticed that they often include a definition of sex positivity as a counterpoint to clearly outline and highlight the differences between the two. Sex negativity represents the attitude that sex is in essence something bad and shameful, which will corrupt us. Sex negativity does not assume that sex should be avoided altogether but rather tries to impose rules on when, how, how much, and in what regularity to have sex. Sex negativity acts as a “corrective” to the individual in a toxic way by planting sexual shame and guilt.
In that sense, I am convinced that Bulgaria is a country with traditions in sex negativity. We encounter it at many expected and unexpected places.
- At school, when we open the eighth-grade textbook and see the dry and “trimmed” way in which sex is explained.
- In front of the school, when some of the more conservative parents protests that some NGO tried (with the permission and approval of the Ministry of Education and Science) to enter the form teacher’s class, to hand out sanitary pads, or to talk to adolescents about sexually transmitted diseases and how to protect themselves from them.
- At the doctor’s offices, when we visit them with a suspicion that we may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease.
- In the delivery room, when the typical Bulgarian obstetrician-gynecologist brawls to the woman in labor to stop acting like a sissy with the phrase “Did you scream like that when you conceived this baby?!”. Yes, shock! If this example shocks you, I am glad – this means that you have not yet quite used to the sex negativity of our home country. The sad part is that this example is the reality of the recent past, but I am also sure that there are places in Bulgaria where this still happens.
- In public places, where some deludedyoung mother recklessly tries to breastfeed her crying and hungry baby and a passer-by asks her to cover herself up with something or even better – to go home and breastfeed her child there.
- Whenever I hear that “sex is for the young”.
- Every time I hear how a man who had sexual interaction with more than X women is called a “player”, and how a woman who had more than Y partners is called – we all know how.
- Whenever somebody tells me that ethical non-monogamy is perversion and I will burn in hell.
- Anti – LGBTQ+ movements for me in essence are sex-negative, along with everything else I think about them.
It is impressive to me how many more are the sex-negative examples I could think of in comparison to the sex-positive ones. This is a result of the environment I live in, and the way sex was viewed during the time my personality was being formed.
Our country has always been rather conservative when it comes to topics related to sex. I am also convinced that those 45 years of socialist regime have played a big sex-negative role in the lives of all of us. At the very least, the freedom of the individual as a whole was suppressed at that time and our mothers and fathers were quite isolated from worldwide sex-positive trends, such as the sexual revolution and all the positive consequences that come from it.
It is important to note that sex negativity does not denounce sex entirely, but only stigmatizes it and surrounds it with shame and the feeling of something bad and intimidating. Generally, sex negativity admits that there is no way how to live without sex, but it should only happen within certain boundaries. An open understanding exists, that there are boundaries, it is clear what they are connected to, but it is still not completely clear what they are in detail. Here are some thought-provoking cliches around boundaries:
- The age of those involved in sex – they must be young, because “sex is for the young”. But no one tells you exactly how young they should be. By no means they should be too young, nor they should be not young anymore.
- The frequency of sexual contact – they must be regular. It is not defined what “regular” means, but it has to be regular. You can try and figure out on your own what does “regular” and ”normal” mean. Last time I checked “normal” meant something completely different to everyone. Especially in sex.
- Sex can be only one standard “type” – normal, but it is not clear what is normal, only what is abnormal.
Everything outside sex in a heterosexual and monogamous couple is considered “abnormal”. Congratulations to all LGBTQ+ people, as well as all ethically non-monogamous. Generally speaking, sex negativity creates many prerequisites for various types of discrimination.
Kinks are also not permitted, as they are indecent perversions i.e., sex negativity sets us a hard boundary to be decent in sex. My deep disagreement with this “norm” is that sex can be either “decent” or good, but never both i.e. I am obviously doomed to indecent sex.
If you ask me, sex-negative compass is so fuzzy at places for a very clear purpose – to serve the neurotic and toxic nature of sex negativity in an ideal way. When the boundaries for normality are set in a fuzzy way, it is convenient to be accused of not being normal and to be instilled with guilt and shame. The more a person moves away from the “norms” in a sex-negative society, the more they are marginalized and stigmatized.
As we have already noted, sex negativity contains forms of discrimination such as sexism, racism, ageism, and homophobia. It works by imputation of guilt and shame and these are the main reasons as to why I want to educate myself in sex positivity. I will list some of the sex-positive practices and concepts that I have adopted and will share how do they help me.
- I try to call things as they are. I call the female genital organ a vulva. Because it is a vulva. The vagina I probably no more than 20% of the female reproductive system and for sure it is not the only part of the vulva which is involved during sex. At least for me. Calling things by their real names works for me because it helps me to have a realistic and positive attitude towards my body. With this confidence, I can more easily understand and express my desires and preferences, as well as I easily accept similar messages from my partner.
- I try to normalize the topic of sex within my family; thus, everyone has the conditions to show a calm and confident attitude towards the subject. When my children ask me something about sex, I calmly answer their questions without getting embarrassed. If I’m having trouble presenting specific information to them right away, I just tell them, “It’s a bit difficult for me to explain this to you, let me check how it is described in some reliable source on the internet. Your current experience does not allow you to imagine it clearly, and I don’t want to tell you abstract and incomprehensible things”.
My positive attitude towards the subject in front of my children is not about encouraging sex, but about providing a safe environment for them to share their questions and what they feel and think on the topic.
When we see mating animals, I don’t look away and blush, but just mention that they are making a baby.
When I ask my partner about some weird porn term that I’m not familiar with, he doesn’t tell me “Sonya, you’re 100 years old, how could you not know that already?”, but just explains it to me. I, on my part, don’t counter him with phrases like “Yuck, why the hell do you know that?!”
- At home, I can say “penis”, “vulva”, “vagina”, “breasts” and “sex” without having my cheeks bright red.
- Umm, as a matter of fact, I can do the above outside of our house also.
- When a friend shares about a fetish or a preferred unconventional sexual practice with me, I discuss the topic without embarrassment or judgment, even if this practice has nothing to do with my personal preferences and attitudes.
- One of the rules in a sex-positive online community that I am a member of states „Don’t yuck people’s yums. Don’t like a certain look or kink? Keep scrolling“. I try to apply this rule equally with the people I interact with on this topic.
One of the unpleasant phenomena that make a very negative impression on me in Bulgarian online BDSM communities where I am a member, is that I often see cases where people with kinks “shame” people with kinks, different from theirs. I find this quite hypocritical and destructive because I would not expect especially from kinksters to take such a duplicitous stance towards other kinksters. This phenomenon only confirms the sexually negative culture in our latitudes. - I am careful about the vocabulary I use when it comes to sexually transmitted infections. When I or my partner have taken a test that comes out negative i.e., that does not contain any infection, I don’t use expressions such as “The test is clean”. This comes from the fact that if the test was positive, I would not call it “dirty”. There is no need for this evaluation element. Instead, I just say that the tests are negative. I am no fan of STDs and sometimes I am even a bit fanatical when it comes to avoiding them, but I find their stigmatization completely inappropriate and more in service of the toxic sex negativity.
While we are on the STD topic, I would like to add one clarification, related to the definitions of “health” and “sexual health”. At first glance, health is the absence of a disease. However, if we dig deeper, we find the World Health Organization (WHO) definition of health. According to WHO, health is “a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”
The concept of “sexual health” in the context of this material is not only related to the absence of sexually transmitted diseases but corresponds to the following definition (again according to the WHO):
“A state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity.
Sexual health, when viewed affirmatively, requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be achieved and sustained, the sexual rights of all people must be respected, protected and fully exercised.“
It turns out that without sex positivity we cannot achieve sexual health.
But can we then go too far? Can we become too sex-positive? In my opinion, no, because this is what sex positivity is not about:
- Lack of own boundaries. Ignoring the principle of consent in sex.
- The understanding that everyone wants to have or talk about sex all the time. Pushing the sex topic in any form. The delusion that the others are always obliged to listen to us on sex-related topics.
- Permanently perceiving and treating others as sexual objects, especially if they have expressed disapproval towards such behavior.
- Labeling others as losers or moralizators when they are unwilling to accept or participate in specific sexual practices.
- The assumption that everybody likes sex, or that sex is the same thing for everybody.
Obviously, just because we have “positivity” in sex positivity, it does not necessarily mean that sex should be the more, the better. It’s, simply put, about respect for our own and other people’s inclinations and preferences in general. About respecting one another and knowing ourselves. For me, this is not a distance covered only once from point A to point B, but a life philosophy that develops together with the individuals and in the ideal case is developed with time thanks to the newly acquired experiences.
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