Polyamorous myths and legends

In this article, we will go through and examine some of the more popular clichés and prejudices against polyamory and polyamorous people.

As an introduction to the topic, and to get a closer look at what society believes are mandatory qualities of ENM people in the more developed countries, I allowed myself to go through a few blogs and articles whose topics were exactly what I was looking for – myths about polyamory. And when it came to their Bulgarian equivalent, I choose as sources several of my personal experiences, such as:

• Opinions of my friends from the time when they were just realizing that something was changing in the dynamics of my personal life (and were slightly shocked).
• Opinions collected from Bulgarian internet users – in forums, comments under articles about ENM, Facebook groups, posts covering ENM topics, etc.
• Articles in Bulgarian – I have not researched whether they are translated or original, in any case, there are not many.  

I’m going to start with the more “nastier” clichés to provide a positive gradation and leave you with the feeling that everyone thinks only awesome things about ENM people. Not…

So, one of the most unpleasant prejudices that I’ve come across is that people actually never sincerely and voluntarily agree to the ENM lifestyle.  According to it ENM always happens by force i.e., one partner twists the other’s arms so that they agree out of necessity. Nothing can convince the supporters of this opinion that two complete and conscious individuals can jointly and voluntarily make such a decision together. I think the main reason for the existence of this myth is the deeply seated mononormativity in our society. For some of us, it is clearly easier to accept the concept of the conventional act of cheating and the subsequent forgiveness, rather than the conscious decision to enter the world of ENM. What really surprises me in this way of thinking is not the layered mononormativity in us, whose layers have been accumulating over generations. I am surprised by the definitive defense of this thesis at all costs, even at the cost of conveniently invented pseudo-arguments such as:

• Compulsion. This theory states that ENM is served by one of the partners as an ultimatum – you either agree or you’re through. However, with consensual non-monogamy, it cannot be consensual without the consent of the involved partners. If there is an element of pressure, it is simply not ENM.
• Advantage. Another variety of the upper opinion is that if the relationship has started as monogamous, then its opening was by all means a consequence of a classic cheating scenario, after which the partners have not separated like normal people due to some mutual material ot non-matherial  benefit, which forces them to continue their life together.
• Dependency. Financial, residential, household-related, or other type. Probably the one who settled and agreed to an ENM lifestyle simply depends financially on the other, who pushed in the direction of ENM.
• Lack of love. It seems that your partner has stopped caring about you or has never loved you, as they agreed to you dating other people.
• Foolishness. Certain people think that polyamorous people do not realize what they are doing and how with such behavior they harm their relationship. They will regret it, but it will be already too late and even irreversible to fix things.  

Another favorite internet cliché of mine is that ENM is simply cheating but uses fancy vocabulary with the aim that some unhappy and unsatisfied with their relationships people are able to somehow normalize their immoral behavior in the eyes of society.

Stereotype number in succession states that ENM is disgusting and unhealthy. It is unhealthy it leads to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. I agree that any unprotected sexual contact – monogamous, non-monogamous, or group – can lead to the spread of sexually transmitted infections. However, with competently set boundaries / agreements, there is a way to avoid this. It is no coincidence that the first article published on this website is exactly on the topic of boundaries and consents for managing the risks of spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

A slightly different aspect of the above is that ENM is disgusting because you’re having sex with somebody, who had sex with somebody else just days/hours ago. The problem here is not health-related like in the previous paragraph, but rather emotional and/or on the level of instincts. I believe that there are people for whom this can honestly be a problem and find it difficult to come into contact with their partner in case the latter has been with another person too soon – whatever “too soon” means this case. I reckon these individual characteristics may be determined by the upbringing in the early childhood stage (for example around the topic of what is disgusting, what is not, what is clean, what is not, and so on) or by nervous system type of the person. Or both together. I don’t know really, but I believe that this is a deeply rooted individual feeling that probably must be very difficult to change, even if you really want to change it. I’m really happy that I do not have problems of this nature, but on the other hand, I have plenty of fear of sexually transmitted diseases.

The next one is a cliché, but it cannot pass as mythology, because it actually happens – frequent quarrels between the partners on ENM topics. The partners may be two, three, or five – it does not matter how many they are, but indeed the quarrels on ENM topics rarely passes them, at least at a given stage. In somewhat successful poly relationships, however, this lasts for only a certain period, and it is not the constant state of the relationship. Somebody being able to endure ENM related quarrels indefinitely is more like an exception in my opinion.

We have reached the point of looking at sex as the main motivator for entering ENM. I will not deny that this could be a pretty valid motivation for many people, nor do I see something wrong with it. However, how can we justify the existence of asexual polyamorists in that a case? Clearly, sex is not always the universal primary reason for transiting to an ENM lifestyle. With many of these asexual polyamorists, the motivators are authenticity and the possibility of full transparency. As for others, we just cannot imagine that we will never fall in love again.

Here is the place to add the myth of group sex as a motivator. Although there are a lot of people, whose reasoning to be ENM comes exactly from their group sex kink, there are others, who are also ENM but have never had group sex. Not because something prevents them from doing it, but because this is not what they desire.

Number sequential – polyamorous people do not feel jealousy. Jealousy is such a common issue in polyamorous relationships, that my mind cannot comprehend how many books have been written and sold, how many articles have been read, how many tears have been shed, how many seminars have been held, and how many hours of psychotherapy have been spent because of jealousy in polyamory. Not that it’s not worth it in the end, but surely the value generated from jealousy in polyamorous groups exceeds the annual gross domestic product of the country of Bhutan.

Another variety of the same myth is that if you feel jealousy, you are not fit for polyamory. In fact you are, but you would have to put some effort into working out your jealousy adequately.  

Our next example is a bit different in the fact that it is positive and favorable towards ENM people. It states that polyamorous people are more progressive and enlightened, i.e. more “evolved” – and thus they live in a better way. It is tempting to agree with this statement, but it is simply not true. The pure truth, as Esther Perel states is that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our life. The virtues that we need to be in a good relationship include (but are not limited to) honesty, trust, and open communication…regardless of how many people are part of the relationship and whether is it open or not. It is not the polyamorous people who are progressive and enlightened, but those who have and continue to develop the qualities that they need for a fulfilling and happy relationship. And yes, this cliché especially, I took from a foreign source.

Our penultimate example of a cliché that is not quite true, is the one about polyamorous people being more spiritually enlightened. We cannot claim that because it is difficult to study it, and just like our previous example, I see no obstacles to spiritual growth while following the monogamous lifestyle. 

Last on our list we have the myth that polyamory makes cheating in a relationship impossible. It is very important that everybody understands that this is complete nonsense. Just because a relationship is open does not mean that consents cannot be ignored or boundaries cannot be deliberately broken. No type of relationship eliminates the possibility of betrayal. Just like in real life – there are no guarantees for anything.