I am quite sure that ENM people can benefit from the establishment of regular good practices when it comes to testing of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). In this article I will present my point of view on the positive and negative aspects of the introduction of boundaries (and hopefully, in rare occasions rules) related to sexual health1.
Why do I need this?
Lower the risk of getting infected. If your partners have negative test results, it is rather unlikely that you might get infected, at least for the STD they have targeted.
Lower the risk of spreading STDs. If you have a negative result on an STD test, you possess no threat to the health of others. For me, this is a huge benefit, as I go mad just when I think that my behavior could cause damage to other people. Damage in the form of infecting somebody, quarantining, intake of drugs, disturbed sex life, investment of time and money in medical examinations and manipulations, re-testing and who knows what else.
You get some extra safety. This is useful, in cases when the barrier protective methods ruin the moment e.g. with a broken condom, if this is your method of protection. If such a situation arises you would have one concern less, if you test yourself regularly.
Peace of mind. If the thought that you can get infected with an STD is worrying you and it gets in the way of you being “present here and now” during sexual intercourse, better take steps in managing health risks by implementing some proper testing practices. This would reduce your anxiety and will allow you to experience the moment of physical proximity to its full extent.
Integrity. If your sexual health is near the top of your value system, then the establishment of good practices for STD testing just confirms, that you act in accordance with your priorities. “I’m doing the right thing for me”. “I put into practice what I believe in”.
Trust. When I am the proactive one, my partners automatically start to look up to me with trust because I am responsible for my and their health. This gives them a sense of trust in me, as they don’t have to ask or remind me about such delicate matters.
You create an adequate culture of sexual health care. This goes beyond you as an individual and your polycule. By implementing good sexual health practices, you discuss the question with your partners and friends. By setting a good example, you create a sustainable culture of normalizing sexual health discussions.
Тhe downsides of having established good practices are not just a few.
Let’s take a look at the downsides, too:
You lose some of the spontaneity of the interaction. If you have certain boundaries or a rule which requires you to do the tests before you make physical contact with somebody, some of the spontaneity is irretrievably lost. While weighing the pros and cons, I would conclude that I’m absolutely fine with the partial loss of spontaneity. Of course, this is just me.
You’re making your everyday life harder. Depending on your particular situation and testing rules you have set, you can make your life more or less difficult. The main factors that determine the degree of aggravation are:
- The configuration of your polycule. If you are part of a closed polycule, it might be relatively easy, but if it’s an open one, the testing process might be substantially more difficult. If you are a solo poly anarchist only you know to what extent it is hard to apply the established practices.
- What exactly do you want? What are the boundaries or rules of sexual health you need to establish? Who gets tested – you, your partners, their partners, your new partner? When does the testing happen – upon a certain event (such as the introduction of a new partner or an incident with a broken condom) or on a regular basis? For which specific diseases are you testing and with what type of tests? Is there an element of ‘quarantine’ before testing, and if so, for what period – 2 days (pointless) or 8 weeks (good for safety but extremely inconvenient)? We can easily name the last one “security VS usability”.
- ENM can be expensive. An STD testing package in a randomly selected laboratory rarely costs below 100 BGN and often does not include everything you need.
- Bring an extra commitment to your everyday life. I once went to get tested for Chlamydia at a random medical lab and after paying a lot of money for 2 antibody tests they told me “You’ll get the results in 10 days”. After 10 days, it was almost a full week AFTER the supposed physical contact I had been getting tested for.
Red flags, common hurdles, and some of the problems that STD testing cannot resolve.
If somebody is trying to control the relationship of their partner with another person by means of test requirements, take this is a signal that something in the communication is not right and you need to take measures. It is necessary to openly discuss which exact problem you are attempting to solve. It is pointless to try and solve a general problem related to safety and acceptability in your partner’s behavior with STD tests. If such a problem really exists, discuss that and precisely that.
I am far from saying that if somebody needs to be quarantined and tested prior to an event, then they are definitely trying to manipulate the actions of others, I’m just ringing the bell that such a possibility exists. Do not forget that you and your partner(s) already managed to stick to this ENM model. Since you’ve reached such level of openness, then you can probably at least try to constructively address properly some behaviour that bothers you.
Communication could be difficult if it’s emotionally loaded. When somebody participating in such conversations has the tendency to emotionally burden this otherwise purely practical issue, they can lead the topic to becoming a taboo, an embarrassing moment, avoiding the question or pure inability to have an open conversation. My recommendation is to not allow the topic to be used for resolving questions, which are not connected anyhow to the sexual health topic. If you consider that the topic is just used as an excuse to address some totally different matter, then you are not discussing sexual health. Such a situation should make an impression on you, and you must address it, but outside of the sexual transmitted deceases context. It is also good to consider that once somebody is using such methods, then most likely they feel insecure about openly bringing up the topic that concerns them deep down.
If two sides in a discussion about arranging testing have widely different standards and ideas on the STD matter, reaching an agreement on who, how, when, and what to test will be substantially more difficult.
Not everyone among us is an expert on the topic and we can often have different opinions. Even if we take just two doctors and ask them to discuss “who, when, and what to test for”, it is quite possible that they will argue with hours and not reach an agreement. Nevertheless, in case you and your partner are not able to reach an agreement on the matter, you can visit a sexual health, a family planning centre, or to consult a physician. Reach out to a person (physician) or an institution you trust and ask them for some advice. Listen carefully and decide.
With this, I touch on a rather sensitive topic for Bulgaria, namely that, in general, sex positive medical personnel in the country is rarely found. Still, if your goal is to reach an agreement with your partner and your safety, then the condition in the country is not what would stop you.
The Bonus.
The topic is complex and there is no guarantee that you could easily reach an option, which will satisfy both you and your partners. For me personally, there is one hidden bonus in the whole picture, namely the partner’s response when raising the topic of STD prevention. It does not matter if we want to state our boundaries, renegotiate the usage of barrier protection, or just had an accident with a broken condom – regardless of where the partners fall on the spectrum between complete and utter disinterest and hypochondria – I hope to see tolerance, openness, and continuity.
If we succeed to freely give and receive information in a clear and unambiguous manner, if there is room for compromise, and if constructive discussions take place – we are on the right track. Everything else is just a matter of more dialogue.
In the presence of culture and good practices for maintaining sexual health, there is no room for unnecessary stigmatization of sexually transmitted infections. And yet each of us has the power to do what is necessary for ourselves to avoid them.
- According to the current working definition, sexual health is: “…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. In the context of the current article however we use “sexual health” as the absence of STDs ↩︎
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